My friends, I’m going to be open and honest and a bit vulnerable here. I recently received a “glaringly positive” diagnosis of ADHD. I had suspected it for a few months after seeing scores of IG posts that could have been talking about me, over and over and over…
Such As…?
Difficulty completing tasks? Check. Constantly fidgeting? Check. Unable to keep things organized? Check. Interrupt people while they’re talking? Double check. Always running late? Triple check.
I spoke to all of my doctors. None of them seemed too surprised when I mentioned my suspicions. But of course, none of them could outright say, “Yeeeeeah, you do… Go get that checked out.” My primary care doc told me to find a psychiatrist and have an evaluation done so we could begin treatment with meds.
Easy peasy, right?
Well, by the grace of God, it actually was, though I know that’s not always the case. I received several recommendations for a local office well-staffed with mental health providers, and once I reached out, they got me set up with paperwork, an ADHD/mental health online assessment, and an appointment with a provider.
My psychiatric PA was absolutely amazing. And apparently, I didn’t need the full battery of psychological testing because my online assessments were, as I said above, “glaringly positive.” She was kind and let me yammer on about whatever popped into my head and out of my mouth. We discussed my next steps and decided on a combination of medication and therapy.
As it’s been less than a week (at the time I’m writing this), it’s still too early to see if the medication will be “the one,” or if it needs adjustment, but I did notice that I had a few hours today where there wasn’t a song constantly playing in my head.
Score! Lately, it’s been Eminem, so…yeah.
“And how does that make you feel?”
So, how do people usually feel when they’re diagnosed with ADHD, especially later in life? Some people are relieved to know that their “oddities” and “quirks” have a specific cause, and they’re not just weird. Some people are sad because they spent so much of their lives feeling like they’re broken and useless when if they’d been diagnosed earlier, they could have known they’re just made differently and could have found ways to manage and make their lives easier.
I do feel those things. But I also feel…terror.
What if nothing changes? What if people who don’t understand ADHD just assume I am lazy and rude, messy and chronically late? What if treatment doesn’t help me? How can I possibly make life easier for my family when I have an incurable condition that makes me function “abnormally”?
And what does “normal” even feel like? How do I know if I’m feeling better? I don’t think I can remember a time when I didn’t feel the way I do. Maybe it hasn’t always been this intense, but I’ve always had songs stuck in my head. Always been disorganized and messy. ALWAYS late…for everything. Always interrupting people when they speak. How does it feel to not do those things?
What Next?
Thankfully, I begin therapy this week. I haven’t been to a therapist since I was around 11, so I truly pray this therapist is a good fit for me. The thought of going through a multitude of them to find one I click with ties my stomach in knots.
Let me tell you, the anxiety is real–and it is almost overwhelming. But there’s also a glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to find ways to help myself function as a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world.
Something important to note: ADHD presents differently in girls and women than it does in young boys, so girls and women often get overlooked when it comes to diagnosis.
If you’d like to check out some resources on late-diagnosis ADHD, take a look at these websites:
- CDC: Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
- chadd.org – Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
- National Institute of Mental Health
- ADDitude
- Attention Deficit Disorder Association
Quite the post to come back with from my very long hiatus, huh? I’d love to hear from you. Do you have ADHD? Do you have questions, comments, tips? Just want to commiserate? Feel free to leave a comment!
